why even try?

I don't know why I even try to have a relationship. They all turn out to be absolute crap. It must mean there's something wrong with me but I couldn't begin to think what it is unless I'm too nice. I give 110% in every relationship and it still never seems to be enough. I don't get it. I cook I clean, I will put up with your shitty ass friends who talk shit about me, I will make them food too even though they treat me like crap and you don't say shit!! I don't really get jealous or snoopy unless you give me a reason to be. I don't care if you hang out with your friends, just don't blow off plans we already had. Which is normal, no one LIKES being blown off. I will give up things that I feel would make me happy in order for you to have a better life. That's got to be it. Men think I'm a doormat. Well not any more! If I ever happen to give another man the time of day he's going to know from day one you don't play games with me. If you can't handle that then too bad for you because I am a strong woman!

But that's a  big if. I plan on just getting a dog. Men aren't dogs, that's insulting to dogs. Dogs are sweet loyal, loving creatures who will always have your back. They will fight for you and protect you. Men are more like cats. They like you when it's convenient for them, when they can get something out of it. Otherwise they're just there. They're lazy and self absorbed just like every cat I have ever met. And not to mention shady. Cats will attack you for no reason and pee on your shit and men will metaphorically do the same thing. Just when you think everything is going okay you find out shits not as great as you think it is. I'm done dealing with men. I already have a cat I don't need another one. But I could use a loyal loving companion.

As I'm sure you've figure the boyfriend and I are no longer, basically. I wanted to talk about it but just like a man he hasn't said shit yet. And I'm not waiting for forever. I deserve someone to treat me the way I treat them. With love, understanding, acceptance, and a mutual effort. So luckily I should be able to move out within a few months now. I won't be spending all my money on a worthless mooch who only says thank you when you ask. I hope he gets whats coming to him too. I hope the next girl he dates is just a ragging bitch, but knowing him he'll want to marry her just like he did the last one. But when he finds a good woman what does he do? Treat her like shit. Makes total sense...NOT!! I'm not saying I wanted to get married but I would've liked him to take it seriously!

Future

Came to the realization that I am probably going to die an evil old curmudgeon who sits on her porch with her cats, and dogs, and shoots paintballs at children as they pass by. I don't like anyone. I don't feel like my standards are too high. I just want respect when I not only respect people, but bend over backwards for them.

    Example: I buy you this that and the other things that you had wanted and now you probably won't even buy me one birthday present even thought I bought you 2 and 2 Xmas presents.    It's not about the presents it's the fact that I try to put a lot of effort and thought into things like that and your probably going to buy me the one thing I told you I want. Not something that takes any thought or love. It's not about price, you could buy me Pokemon red for $5 at Mr. Zero's, something I've said I loved and missed. And I'd love it!  Or the simple fact I picked your ass up from the airport.

     I don't know every day I just want to hurry up and graduate my program so I can move as far away as I've dreamed. Maybe I'll go to Canada, or Texas or New Hampshire or Boston... Anywhere but here. I don't like anyone...

Relationships

I don't understand why in  this day and age relationships have to be so hard. How hard is it not lie to someone? I don't lie about anything. I don't even think about other guys like that... Like I just don't get it. And I probably never will. At this point I'm completely okay with dying alone. I wouldn't want a husband even if one begged me to be his wife. Like seriously. After being cheated on so many times I will probably never ever fully trust a man again.  And that's not fair to them. Especially if I'm going to be married to one.

I don't think there is such a thing as a "good guy" anymore. I really don't. You just have to find someone whose bullshit you can tolerate. It's not about finding someone who will treat you right. That'll never come along. If your okay with a shady man but knows he isn't physically cheating that you 'll be fine. Or if he's totally loyal just addicted to porn. But me personally I don't deal With that shit. Porn is fine every now and then... But if you cross the line then I'm not ok.

I guess the argument could be made I'm just a bitch and deserve all this happening to me. But in reality I don't keep boyfriends on a close leash. If I notice you change your password yeah I'll have a problem. Or suddenly put one on your phone then I know something is going on. And it's not like I have the confidence or the guts to say shit. Cause it's always turned around on me. "Why does it matter?" Um! Cause obviously your fucking hiding something bro! Like, what the fuck! I'm not stupid! I'm just over it. I think I'm gonna take my money and run. You want to be all secretive? You can do it alone.

Secrecy

I hate secrecy you're gonna get a dose of your own medicine. Changing your password? Ok.... I can already tell this isn't going to work but I'm gonna try...   But I already feel insecure.  :(

Overjoyed?

I should be ecstatic the boyfriend comes home tonight but I'm already pissed off and done with his shit. Major life impacting events happened to me while he was gone and instead of wanting to see if I'm ok he wants to go see his butt buddy Ryan. It'd be ok if I didn't have to go through some traumatic shit. I just want to punch him in the face. Like what the actual fuck?! Fuck you too dude! And! He wants to stay at my house... Uh fuck no. Not if you don't give two fucks about me. Why should I give two fucks about you being homeless? Oh wait! That's right!! Despite being a bitter people hating monster I genuinely care about this dickwad. Well I have news for you! I'm not just going to be disrespected. No way. No how. You even swear at me and I'm done. I may care but I'm not your doormat and personal sex toy. Sorry, no. I am finally standing up for myself and telling you how I want to be treated. No more silently being mad that you're treating me like crap! No more! Not in any aspect of my life. Not work, not relationships, not at home. Not anywhere! I will not take this shit lying down. Time to put your big boy pants on and be a man. Treat people with dignity and respect. You can't do that!? Then I'm sorry I can't be your girlfriend. And I can't give your Xbox back. At least not in working condition or with any saved data... Oopsie. I'm just a dumb girl. What do I now about technology?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I need to take a shower or something before I destroy Tokyo.

Ps: to be fair, I really did miss him and a big part of me is happy he is home. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this bull shit.

Stats?

Blogger is now telling me how many people are viewing my page... My question is, is it counting my own? Cuz then I'm not so worried. It's not like I have a billion views. I was just surprised by the number it said I had. And I'd rather this blog live in anonymity in a weird way. Probably because these posts are shallow and rambling.  Idk. I should get back to homework...

Dinner

Yet another reason to hate my family.
        Every night there's the discussion of what's for dinner. Where are we going, what are we ordering, what are we going to make? The problem is, no one ever goes fucking grocery shopping until Friday and only ever buys enough food to make for the weekend because the grandkids are here. Nevermind the rest of us that have to be here for meal times. There's milk, eggs, and random collections of half eaten moldy meals from I don't know when in the fridge. It doesn't matter how many times I clean it out either. I feel they're somehow transported in from other family's fridge. Your hotdish from two weeks ago that you thought got pushed to the back of the fridge actually fell through a portal and landed in mine. Oh and it looks and smells disgusting, thanks!  Then there's the fight of are we gonna go somewhere or order something. I try to call my mom before she leaves work to figure out what's for dinner. So if I decide on something she can stop on the way home because god forbid she could come home and then we or I drive somewhere else. That would mean using precious pogo gaming minutes. And points and whatever the fuck she's not earning.  It's good to have a hobby but this is an obsession. I mean sure she doesn't really do anything else with her life, but maybe she could hang out with all the friends she says she has. I know there's one woman she hasn't talked to in years! She should call her and get stupid Bloody Mary's or something. But no, comes home and sits at the computer or lays in bed on her laptop. Oh! And gets this! Complains about her weight. Uhhh... How about we use the treadmill for more than a play place for the grandkids?! I just don't get it. And one walk at 1.5 mph or maybe 2 mph for maybe a mile or 2 isn't going to burn that many calories, how about you speed it up! And do it more often!   In my walking gym class we had to be walking at 4 mph in order to burn enough calories and do all these other exercises (squats, push ups, etc) but she seriously doesn't do anything. I know I'm not a size 2 but I try to eat healthy...it just sometimes loses to ice cream or hot dogs and I try to go to the gym as often as possible but I have class m-thurs and work almost every weekend and have to study. Soon I'll be starting my second summer class and will have even less time and I'll want to see the boyfriend when he comes home... So I may not be at the gym as much as I want but at least I know how to go to the gym.  I'm sorry but it's a proven fact you absolutely can NOT lose weight by eating more calories than you burn! Simple scientific fact. Call me a bitch but it's all true. You can't lose weight sitting on your fat ass and wishing it to go away. I know, I have tried and some days I still try. But it only goes away if you put in the work and effort. I just want to get out of this hell hole! I don't care if I can't afford to eat, I need to get out of here before I turn into The Hulk and start smashing things. And hey! It'd help me lose weight! Lol kidding.   ...kinda... But I do need out.

Shitty day

A. Read my post from yesterday, wow autocorrect and blogging while watching tv do not mix well haha.

B. today sucked major balls. Class was cancelled, I didn't remember UNTIL I got to school. Then I went to work because the manager for today skipped town. I understand she had majorly upsetting news; however, I just don't understand why she didn't leave AFTER her shift today. Maybe it's just me but I consider that common sense. So we struggled through the day. It was bad. The place didn't get burnt down but it wasn't good. :\   Now I'm trying to take a nap but I can't sleep because I have this fear that the boyfriend will call and I won't wake up to hear my phone and he'll be stuck at the airport or he'll have to call someone else and I won't get to see him. Also every hour that passes and he's not home or hasn't called to say he's coming home I get more and more anxious that he won't be home for my birthday. I know that sounds so spoiled and so stupid when there are people whose husbands and wives are deployed to war zones where they are risking their lives every day and won't be home for a year if not longer. Or people whose loved one has died and is never coming home. But I was so excited because he was going to be home for my birthday... Yeah I understand shit happens but I can't help how I feel no matter how illogical and selfish it may be.

Damn

So. The boyfriend is supposed to be home this week. And I'm super pumped but I work every damn day except Saturday and now they want me to cover a shift then too. I love the dogs but it'd be a little much... I just wish I could drive down there and pick him up and not have to wait for them to finally put him in a plane. I knew it'd be a bunch if hurry up and wait but this shit is really getting old and I'm getting irate. I have tickets for us to go the Twins game in my birthday and I'm getting nervous he won't be home. And if he's not I might be writing some hateful fucking letters. Because this is just some bullshit.

Oh and to make things even more awesome, I have fallen completely in love with a foster puppy at work. His name is Spots and he is by far the smartest, and cutest, and cuddliest, and gentlest puppy ever! I get sad every time I have to leave him. I know I'll cry when he gets adopted because I want him to be my puppy. I already kinda feel like he is my puppy... Except the problem is I'm too poor to not live at home and my parents are dead set against a dog. But I know if my mom spent 5 minutes with my Spotsie she would love him too. But no!! I'm just so angry. I have no boyfriend, my cat is an asshole, & not really any friends... The only person I've connected to lately, isn't a person, but a darn dog and I will be working enough to feed him and pay for his shots. The only thing is exercise but he'd get to come to work with me for free so that's not an issue. I just want to be even slightly happy... Not pissed off all the time. I know there are way more important things to worry about in this world. But right now, I kinda don't care. Give all my stuff away. Take away my house and my closet, and my shoes. I will still just want Spots. I am willing to adopt him and live in my car, he will be perfectly taken care of, me not so much. But he won't ever go hungry. I just wish my parents saw that I am a competent adult and actually put thought into their answer not just saying no.

starting over

I cleaned out my blog. I want to start over. no more whining about boys. I just want to write and express some things in something that no one will read. or some anon people may read and be bored with since I dont write anything really worth while.

Realization

I hate everyone. It's not like they seem to do anything outright to piss me off. I just want to go live on the moon. In fact I have thought about writing to NASA saying that I would more than love to be sent off to the moon to live out the rest of my life. I would be ok as the guinea pig. I'd be alone. Maybe it all started with my managers essentially telling me they never thought I've been good at my job which is total and complete bullshit but I don't and won't like them now. So I informed them I will be taking the month off while I figure out if I want to continue working there. Then I got a new job and there is this one bitch in particular who is constantly just giving me dirty looks, unless that's how her face looks! But it seems more than that. And I haven't said more than two words to her but her dogs are fucking stupid. And need to be trained about 200 times better. They never ever shut up! And the manager already fucked up my schedule. It's not rocket science. Apparently she just is lazy and doesn't care. Then comes my family. My dad is so lazy it's ridiculous. He won't even make his own dinner, at 65 he refuses to cook or clean anything. My mom is too busy playing pogo games to do some stuff. My brother sleeps all the time. For instance today i had to watch his demon children and make dinner while he was literally asleep on the floor. I wanted to scream. I can't watch a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old and make dinner and make sure they don't get into trouble or wake up their dad. Since that would just piss him off.

     But on to a lighter note that boyfriend I was talking about.GONE. Got me a new one and I really like him. He's currently at basic but will be home soon and I am so excited because his is easily my best friend. I have been so lonely since he left all these friends I thought I had never talk to me. One in particular was all "We'll hang out a lot! I'm here for you!" but then when I've texted her she INSTANTLY texted back "sorry. busy." and still hadn't answered another question I asked a few minutes before. I was so shocked and just said well fuck that. And now all she posts about is how her boyfriend is the love of her life and all that shit. It makes me want to barf. But good-ish news. The boyfriend will be home soon. He got medically discharged and said the latest he'll be home is the 7th. I'm keeping my phone on loud at all times in case he calls and says he's coming home. because I will drop anything and everything to see him. I'm that excited! He's my best friend and keeps me sane. He knows exactly what to say n do when I want to just punch everyone.

a week?

havent talked to someone in a week... i really wonder if i should be suspicious or not... i really want to creep on his fb, but i feel like ive been there a lot and idk...i just dont want to obsess but theres that part of me that really wants to and really wants to just creep hard core... idk... maybe i should continue waiting? im not sure... i think i will wait im not sure... its best to wait and not come off as creep and a stalker, i just need to keep reminding myself that.

i just need to chill and not obsess and not creep. just breathe i mean its like 10 days till Christmas maybe things are crazy for him right now... i seriously need to stop going to worst case scenarios but idk last time we hung out it felt different... so maybe things are different maybe i scared him away... idk i give up im jsut gonna focus on the two classes i have left and work. pick up a hobby...something i need to just chill he'll probably talk to me when he has time. admitedly i shouldnt have bought him a video game for x-mas though... lol

TIME TO FIND A HOBBY! lol

story..

She had always liked Arthur. They were once friends in high school she liked him even then. However, Arthur then seemed to have liked her, but he didn’t make a move. Being the coward that she was Jessica never made a movie either. Even though they spent quite a lot of time together and seemed to have a good time. Jessica always thought there was an undertone of sexual tension and having this being the first boy she ever REALLY liked had no idea what to do. Then tragically one day things took a turn for the worse. Arthur just started ignoring Jessica. She tried as hard as she could to find out what she did wrong. Being a year older Jessica graduated and left Arthur and high school behind, or at least that was her plan. It turns out though that Arthur is one of those people that you just can’t shake. Jessica thought about Arthur everyday for a while, then it eventually dropped to just once a month. She was able to get a different boyfriend who totally consumed her. As fate would have it though, that relationship didn’t work out. She realizes now though that this was for the best. Jessica was living her life going through her usual routine until one day she came across Arthur’s facebook. Her stomach twisted in knots. She was still trying to get over him and not be so focused and fixated on the guy who broke her heart. Freaking out Jessica IMed one of her best friends named Moe. Moe helped her work up the courage to at least friend him. Jessica realized if she were to friend him should could at least see his relationship status…so she took, in her opinion, a huge leap of faith. To her surprise and joy Arthur accepted she sent him a message and things took off from there. Arthur and Jess started out as casual hookups. She normally didn’t do that but since she had liked him since junior year she didn’t particularly care.

Things all changed on New Year’s Eve. Arthur had promised Jessica they could go ice skating for her Christmas present. Jessica was super excited she had not only never been to The Depot and always wanted to go, but she was never with a boy on New Year’s Eve. Jessica was hoping that maybe, for once in her life she would get a kiss at midnight. Arthur was nervous, for he had something he needed to tell Jessica for a while now, and he decided that 2011 was going to be a year of no regrets. When midnight came Jessica leaned over and planted one on Arthur right in the middle of the rink. It was magical! It was everything she could have hoped for, except for what happened after. Arthur not being the greatest skater caused them to crash onto the ice. Jessica just looked at him and broke out laughing. She couldn’t contain herself. She helped him up since she was the more experienced of the pair and helped him off the rink and over to a bench. “Are you ok?” she asked with a big stupid grin on her face, “Talk about breaking in the New Year!” Arthur chuckled nervously. Jessica tilted her head to the left and asked him what was going on. He met her gaze for a while then shook his head and told her nothing. Jessica crossed her arms and shook her saying “Nuh-uh! Bull! Tell Me!” Arthur smiled and said, “Later, let’s skate some more, I think I’m getting better.” It was Jessica’s turn to laugh as she got up grabbed his hand and brought him back out onto the ice.

As they were walking to his car Jess grabbed his keys and rand ahead secretly slipping them into her bra. When she got to the car she just leaned against the driver’s side door which a mischievous grin. Arthur strolled up, looked at her face and said “what did you do?” Jessica just smiled and shook her head. “Give me my keys please!” Arthur said in a short semi-angry tone. Jessica flinched slightly and removed his keys from her bra. “What’s wrong?” she asked, not moving from in front of the door. Arthur shot her a mean look so she scooted out of the way than quickly walked to her side of the car. Once inside she asked again putting her hand on his shoulder. Arthur took a deep breath and said, “Nothing, I’m just mad at myself that’s all.” “Why?” Jessica asked in a caring tone. “Because” was his reply. Jessica just gave him a soft look that read “please tell me” Arthur sighed again and Jess started to get worried, this seemed like bad news. She bit her lip but kept giving him the look. Eventually Arthur took her hand in his and told her he was angry he didn’t say something to her earlier. Jessica swallowed hard. She knew what was coming. Arthur looked down at her hand as he said, “I like you, I really like you, and I can’t be just casual anymore.” Jessica coughed. Her eyes got as big as cds and her mouth fell open…she was for once genuinely speechless. Arthur tensed up. Then after a few seconds she smiled. He looked at her and she just mouthed “me too” still unable to speak. Then she leaned over put her hand behind his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, smiling throughout the whole thing. Not able to contain her excitement anymore, she broke from the kiss threw the door open got out of the car and started jumping up and down while half-screaming in the middle of the parking garage.

the things he doesnt know

i'm not trying to be poetic or anything, but i feel like it may kinda turn out that way, and i suck at poetry so this'll probably suck as well.. oh well i need to get my thoughts out of my head so i can sleep



The things he doesn't know can fill a book, a BIG book



he doesn't know about my past, he doesn't know about my thoughts, and things i do when he's away



he doesn't know about the monster inside of me, waiting, just waiting for him to mess up



he doesn't know the hate and the rage the moves through my brain



he doesn't know about the paranoia



he doesn't know i have one foot halfway out the door just waiting for this to fall apart



yet he doesn't know how much i will hurt when it does eventually end



he doesn't know about my issues



he doesn't know about my family



he doesn't know about my "friends" who i secretly liked or somewhat still like/really have a thing for...oops...



he doesn't know that sometimes i think i might hate him



he doesn't know about what i say



he doesn't know about the lies to friends



he doesn't know about the lies to myself



but most of all, he doesn't know that i keep all this and more secret just so he doesn't know too much about me...he thinks i want to be mysterious

blast from the past

In my second post, its called "drama" i talked about a "blast from the past" his name, well i'll call him "Mario" well i saw mario's number in my phone today, and i got it in my head to fake being drunk to open the lines of communication, i notice i do that when i think i'm going to face an awkward conversation. So!! i talked to him, and it was like the past awkwardness that was there, never happened!! it was perfect and it made me smile and i am so epically happy!! you dont even know!! like: honestly...i am so epically happy right now!! i couldnt have prayed for it to go any smoother. i love it! i am seriously, so happy! it may be a bit soon, but i think i might invite him to hang out saturday, or early friday night. except i dont want to be alone with him at first, just because of said past. I honestly don't know who i can invite him to hang out with though, theresa's way too pretty. and if im with her and wade they seem to like to gang up on me and put me down...however, odds are we could be at wade's house and he's got a pool table...lol im shallow i know... maybe i could talk to theresa and wade. but it never seems to help. idk, sara seems to be avoiding hanging out with me, which is starting to worry me. Cassie may have homework, and she lives in an apartment so its already crowded. kelley will probably be at school, and is too pretty as well. I really need some uglier friends!! lol!!

i dont know, is it too soon to invite him to hang out? is that weird? idk! i need advice on this one, if anyone is reading this please help!!

total girl moment

ok so i know this makes the third time ive written today but i am super inspired.

Now for my what i call a total girl moment!

in my mind i picture a lot and the main picture is: granted absured, but i like it, and i have to tell someone, and its far too long to text and no one but kelley reads this and im probably going to have taken it down by the time she gets round to read it. ****NOTE: it started off about steve, then quickly changed into just my dream relationship/guy in general.****

So heres how things go in my mind: I meet this guy and he is impecable. He is everything i want and could ever want. He is tall and gorgeous! he is everything! he has a wonderful personality and we get along like gang busters(lol).

We would date, and possibly even love each other. Like Simba and Nala!!(im a loser) in this hypothetical relationship i am totally and completely myself, and imensely happy! i have no desire or need to question anything! in fact, i never would have! i would have never asked why he likes me or what he likes about me.

I have a saying: that i'm a pitbull. Like you cross me or my friends and i will go on the attack! i will become this viscious little snarling evil demon. Who won't stop until i have injured you. in my past i have always had to be my own pitbull, but in this relationship, i wouldnt have to be. he would be my pitbull he wouldn't get "jealous" but if someone fucked me over, he would want to get revenge. he would protect me with out somthering. he would defend me without being a "jealous hot head". he would love me unconditionally as i would him. neither of us would cheat because we're too much in love. and we would marry and settle down. Maybe he could convince me to have a kid, but odds are we would just have pets and then have neices and nephews to take care of and play with. My dream guy would also be strong enough to admit emotions. Maybe not cry, but admit when he's scared, or when he's hurt or that he loves me! things like that would make not just my day, but my entire life! He would know the difference between a genuine "im fine" or "nothings wrong" and ones that mean "i am not ok!" and "everythings wrong!" (not really that hard to figure out) This guy would also understand that i have an irrational arachniphobia and wouldnt sigh, roll his eyes, or even laugh when i get afraid of one, no matter how small. He would simply kill it and move on. This guy would also love how huge of a nerd/loser i am... & would find things like these, or my random nerd moments totally adorable.

i know its a lot to ask for, and odds are good things wont go that way. but that is what i want.

First Post!!

So i decided to start a blog after i saw how cool my friend's was. I figure not only a.) can i update people and vent and stuff but then b.) i aint destracted and creepin on people, like i get on & do on fb.

Let's see a bit about me...hmm...i am a huge nerd/loser. it's not really explainable i jsut am...it'll probly become evident when you read this. i go to a community college that's rather popular so it's almost like high school all over agian, except with different people and a few less clicks, oh! and no dances or football games. you may come to realize that i try to care about my spelling and my grammar, yet there are times when i just fail at it. at least i try right?

Anyways! now on to the real reason i got my blog...the venting...but im gonna actually do that in a seperate post