Shitty day

A. Read my post from yesterday, wow autocorrect and blogging while watching tv do not mix well haha.

B. today sucked major balls. Class was cancelled, I didn't remember UNTIL I got to school. Then I went to work because the manager for today skipped town. I understand she had majorly upsetting news; however, I just don't understand why she didn't leave AFTER her shift today. Maybe it's just me but I consider that common sense. So we struggled through the day. It was bad. The place didn't get burnt down but it wasn't good. :\   Now I'm trying to take a nap but I can't sleep because I have this fear that the boyfriend will call and I won't wake up to hear my phone and he'll be stuck at the airport or he'll have to call someone else and I won't get to see him. Also every hour that passes and he's not home or hasn't called to say he's coming home I get more and more anxious that he won't be home for my birthday. I know that sounds so spoiled and so stupid when there are people whose husbands and wives are deployed to war zones where they are risking their lives every day and won't be home for a year if not longer. Or people whose loved one has died and is never coming home. But I was so excited because he was going to be home for my birthday... Yeah I understand shit happens but I can't help how I feel no matter how illogical and selfish it may be.

Damn

So. The boyfriend is supposed to be home this week. And I'm super pumped but I work every damn day except Saturday and now they want me to cover a shift then too. I love the dogs but it'd be a little much... I just wish I could drive down there and pick him up and not have to wait for them to finally put him in a plane. I knew it'd be a bunch if hurry up and wait but this shit is really getting old and I'm getting irate. I have tickets for us to go the Twins game in my birthday and I'm getting nervous he won't be home. And if he's not I might be writing some hateful fucking letters. Because this is just some bullshit.

Oh and to make things even more awesome, I have fallen completely in love with a foster puppy at work. His name is Spots and he is by far the smartest, and cutest, and cuddliest, and gentlest puppy ever! I get sad every time I have to leave him. I know I'll cry when he gets adopted because I want him to be my puppy. I already kinda feel like he is my puppy... Except the problem is I'm too poor to not live at home and my parents are dead set against a dog. But I know if my mom spent 5 minutes with my Spotsie she would love him too. But no!! I'm just so angry. I have no boyfriend, my cat is an asshole, & not really any friends... The only person I've connected to lately, isn't a person, but a darn dog and I will be working enough to feed him and pay for his shots. The only thing is exercise but he'd get to come to work with me for free so that's not an issue. I just want to be even slightly happy... Not pissed off all the time. I know there are way more important things to worry about in this world. But right now, I kinda don't care. Give all my stuff away. Take away my house and my closet, and my shoes. I will still just want Spots. I am willing to adopt him and live in my car, he will be perfectly taken care of, me not so much. But he won't ever go hungry. I just wish my parents saw that I am a competent adult and actually put thought into their answer not just saying no.

starting over

I cleaned out my blog. I want to start over. no more whining about boys. I just want to write and express some things in something that no one will read. or some anon people may read and be bored with since I dont write anything really worth while.

Realization

I hate everyone. It's not like they seem to do anything outright to piss me off. I just want to go live on the moon. In fact I have thought about writing to NASA saying that I would more than love to be sent off to the moon to live out the rest of my life. I would be ok as the guinea pig. I'd be alone. Maybe it all started with my managers essentially telling me they never thought I've been good at my job which is total and complete bullshit but I don't and won't like them now. So I informed them I will be taking the month off while I figure out if I want to continue working there. Then I got a new job and there is this one bitch in particular who is constantly just giving me dirty looks, unless that's how her face looks! But it seems more than that. And I haven't said more than two words to her but her dogs are fucking stupid. And need to be trained about 200 times better. They never ever shut up! And the manager already fucked up my schedule. It's not rocket science. Apparently she just is lazy and doesn't care. Then comes my family. My dad is so lazy it's ridiculous. He won't even make his own dinner, at 65 he refuses to cook or clean anything. My mom is too busy playing pogo games to do some stuff. My brother sleeps all the time. For instance today i had to watch his demon children and make dinner while he was literally asleep on the floor. I wanted to scream. I can't watch a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old and make dinner and make sure they don't get into trouble or wake up their dad. Since that would just piss him off.

     But on to a lighter note that boyfriend I was talking about.GONE. Got me a new one and I really like him. He's currently at basic but will be home soon and I am so excited because his is easily my best friend. I have been so lonely since he left all these friends I thought I had never talk to me. One in particular was all "We'll hang out a lot! I'm here for you!" but then when I've texted her she INSTANTLY texted back "sorry. busy." and still hadn't answered another question I asked a few minutes before. I was so shocked and just said well fuck that. And now all she posts about is how her boyfriend is the love of her life and all that shit. It makes me want to barf. But good-ish news. The boyfriend will be home soon. He got medically discharged and said the latest he'll be home is the 7th. I'm keeping my phone on loud at all times in case he calls and says he's coming home. because I will drop anything and everything to see him. I'm that excited! He's my best friend and keeps me sane. He knows exactly what to say n do when I want to just punch everyone.

a week?

havent talked to someone in a week... i really wonder if i should be suspicious or not... i really want to creep on his fb, but i feel like ive been there a lot and idk...i just dont want to obsess but theres that part of me that really wants to and really wants to just creep hard core... idk... maybe i should continue waiting? im not sure... i think i will wait im not sure... its best to wait and not come off as creep and a stalker, i just need to keep reminding myself that.

i just need to chill and not obsess and not creep. just breathe i mean its like 10 days till Christmas maybe things are crazy for him right now... i seriously need to stop going to worst case scenarios but idk last time we hung out it felt different... so maybe things are different maybe i scared him away... idk i give up im jsut gonna focus on the two classes i have left and work. pick up a hobby...something i need to just chill he'll probably talk to me when he has time. admitedly i shouldnt have bought him a video game for x-mas though... lol

TIME TO FIND A HOBBY! lol

story..

She had always liked Arthur. They were once friends in high school she liked him even then. However, Arthur then seemed to have liked her, but he didn’t make a move. Being the coward that she was Jessica never made a movie either. Even though they spent quite a lot of time together and seemed to have a good time. Jessica always thought there was an undertone of sexual tension and having this being the first boy she ever REALLY liked had no idea what to do. Then tragically one day things took a turn for the worse. Arthur just started ignoring Jessica. She tried as hard as she could to find out what she did wrong. Being a year older Jessica graduated and left Arthur and high school behind, or at least that was her plan. It turns out though that Arthur is one of those people that you just can’t shake. Jessica thought about Arthur everyday for a while, then it eventually dropped to just once a month. She was able to get a different boyfriend who totally consumed her. As fate would have it though, that relationship didn’t work out. She realizes now though that this was for the best. Jessica was living her life going through her usual routine until one day she came across Arthur’s facebook. Her stomach twisted in knots. She was still trying to get over him and not be so focused and fixated on the guy who broke her heart. Freaking out Jessica IMed one of her best friends named Moe. Moe helped her work up the courage to at least friend him. Jessica realized if she were to friend him should could at least see his relationship status…so she took, in her opinion, a huge leap of faith. To her surprise and joy Arthur accepted she sent him a message and things took off from there. Arthur and Jess started out as casual hookups. She normally didn’t do that but since she had liked him since junior year she didn’t particularly care.

Things all changed on New Year’s Eve. Arthur had promised Jessica they could go ice skating for her Christmas present. Jessica was super excited she had not only never been to The Depot and always wanted to go, but she was never with a boy on New Year’s Eve. Jessica was hoping that maybe, for once in her life she would get a kiss at midnight. Arthur was nervous, for he had something he needed to tell Jessica for a while now, and he decided that 2011 was going to be a year of no regrets. When midnight came Jessica leaned over and planted one on Arthur right in the middle of the rink. It was magical! It was everything she could have hoped for, except for what happened after. Arthur not being the greatest skater caused them to crash onto the ice. Jessica just looked at him and broke out laughing. She couldn’t contain herself. She helped him up since she was the more experienced of the pair and helped him off the rink and over to a bench. “Are you ok?” she asked with a big stupid grin on her face, “Talk about breaking in the New Year!” Arthur chuckled nervously. Jessica tilted her head to the left and asked him what was going on. He met her gaze for a while then shook his head and told her nothing. Jessica crossed her arms and shook her saying “Nuh-uh! Bull! Tell Me!” Arthur smiled and said, “Later, let’s skate some more, I think I’m getting better.” It was Jessica’s turn to laugh as she got up grabbed his hand and brought him back out onto the ice.

As they were walking to his car Jess grabbed his keys and rand ahead secretly slipping them into her bra. When she got to the car she just leaned against the driver’s side door which a mischievous grin. Arthur strolled up, looked at her face and said “what did you do?” Jessica just smiled and shook her head. “Give me my keys please!” Arthur said in a short semi-angry tone. Jessica flinched slightly and removed his keys from her bra. “What’s wrong?” she asked, not moving from in front of the door. Arthur shot her a mean look so she scooted out of the way than quickly walked to her side of the car. Once inside she asked again putting her hand on his shoulder. Arthur took a deep breath and said, “Nothing, I’m just mad at myself that’s all.” “Why?” Jessica asked in a caring tone. “Because” was his reply. Jessica just gave him a soft look that read “please tell me” Arthur sighed again and Jess started to get worried, this seemed like bad news. She bit her lip but kept giving him the look. Eventually Arthur took her hand in his and told her he was angry he didn’t say something to her earlier. Jessica swallowed hard. She knew what was coming. Arthur looked down at her hand as he said, “I like you, I really like you, and I can’t be just casual anymore.” Jessica coughed. Her eyes got as big as cds and her mouth fell open…she was for once genuinely speechless. Arthur tensed up. Then after a few seconds she smiled. He looked at her and she just mouthed “me too” still unable to speak. Then she leaned over put her hand behind his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, smiling throughout the whole thing. Not able to contain her excitement anymore, she broke from the kiss threw the door open got out of the car and started jumping up and down while half-screaming in the middle of the parking garage.

the things he doesnt know

i'm not trying to be poetic or anything, but i feel like it may kinda turn out that way, and i suck at poetry so this'll probably suck as well.. oh well i need to get my thoughts out of my head so i can sleep



The things he doesn't know can fill a book, a BIG book



he doesn't know about my past, he doesn't know about my thoughts, and things i do when he's away



he doesn't know about the monster inside of me, waiting, just waiting for him to mess up



he doesn't know the hate and the rage the moves through my brain



he doesn't know about the paranoia



he doesn't know i have one foot halfway out the door just waiting for this to fall apart



yet he doesn't know how much i will hurt when it does eventually end



he doesn't know about my issues



he doesn't know about my family



he doesn't know about my "friends" who i secretly liked or somewhat still like/really have a thing for...oops...



he doesn't know that sometimes i think i might hate him



he doesn't know about what i say



he doesn't know about the lies to friends



he doesn't know about the lies to myself



but most of all, he doesn't know that i keep all this and more secret just so he doesn't know too much about me...he thinks i want to be mysterious