Tuesday, December 14, 2010

a week?

havent talked to someone in a week... i really wonder if i should be suspicious or not... i really want to creep on his fb, but i feel like ive been there a lot and idk...i just dont want to obsess but theres that part of me that really wants to and really wants to just creep hard core... idk... maybe i should continue waiting? im not sure... i think i will wait im not sure... its best to wait and not come off as creep and a stalker, i just need to keep reminding myself that.

i just need to chill and not obsess and not creep. just breathe i mean its like 10 days till Christmas maybe things are crazy for him right now... i seriously need to stop going to worst case scenarios but idk last time we hung out it felt different... so maybe things are different maybe i scared him away... idk i give up im jsut gonna focus on the two classes i have left and work. pick up a hobby...something i need to just chill he'll probably talk to me when he has time. admitedly i shouldnt have bought him a video game for x-mas though... lol


Tuesday, November 23, 2010


She had always liked Arthur. They were once friends in high school she liked him even then. However, Arthur then seemed to have liked her, but he didn’t make a move. Being the coward that she was Jessica never made a movie either. Even though they spent quite a lot of time together and seemed to have a good time. Jessica always thought there was an undertone of sexual tension and having this being the first boy she ever REALLY liked had no idea what to do. Then tragically one day things took a turn for the worse. Arthur just started ignoring Jessica. She tried as hard as she could to find out what she did wrong. Being a year older Jessica graduated and left Arthur and high school behind, or at least that was her plan. It turns out though that Arthur is one of those people that you just can’t shake. Jessica thought about Arthur everyday for a while, then it eventually dropped to just once a month. She was able to get a different boyfriend who totally consumed her. As fate would have it though, that relationship didn’t work out. She realizes now though that this was for the best. Jessica was living her life going through her usual routine until one day she came across Arthur’s facebook. Her stomach twisted in knots. She was still trying to get over him and not be so focused and fixated on the guy who broke her heart. Freaking out Jessica IMed one of her best friends named Moe. Moe helped her work up the courage to at least friend him. Jessica realized if she were to friend him should could at least see his relationship status…so she took, in her opinion, a huge leap of faith. To her surprise and joy Arthur accepted she sent him a message and things took off from there. Arthur and Jess started out as casual hookups. She normally didn’t do that but since she had liked him since junior year she didn’t particularly care.

Things all changed on New Year’s Eve. Arthur had promised Jessica they could go ice skating for her Christmas present. Jessica was super excited she had not only never been to The Depot and always wanted to go, but she was never with a boy on New Year’s Eve. Jessica was hoping that maybe, for once in her life she would get a kiss at midnight. Arthur was nervous, for he had something he needed to tell Jessica for a while now, and he decided that 2011 was going to be a year of no regrets. When midnight came Jessica leaned over and planted one on Arthur right in the middle of the rink. It was magical! It was everything she could have hoped for, except for what happened after. Arthur not being the greatest skater caused them to crash onto the ice. Jessica just looked at him and broke out laughing. She couldn’t contain herself. She helped him up since she was the more experienced of the pair and helped him off the rink and over to a bench. “Are you ok?” she asked with a big stupid grin on her face, “Talk about breaking in the New Year!” Arthur chuckled nervously. Jessica tilted her head to the left and asked him what was going on. He met her gaze for a while then shook his head and told her nothing. Jessica crossed her arms and shook her saying “Nuh-uh! Bull! Tell Me!” Arthur smiled and said, “Later, let’s skate some more, I think I’m getting better.” It was Jessica’s turn to laugh as she got up grabbed his hand and brought him back out onto the ice.

As they were walking to his car Jess grabbed his keys and rand ahead secretly slipping them into her bra. When she got to the car she just leaned against the driver’s side door which a mischievous grin. Arthur strolled up, looked at her face and said “what did you do?” Jessica just smiled and shook her head. “Give me my keys please!” Arthur said in a short semi-angry tone. Jessica flinched slightly and removed his keys from her bra. “What’s wrong?” she asked, not moving from in front of the door. Arthur shot her a mean look so she scooted out of the way than quickly walked to her side of the car. Once inside she asked again putting her hand on his shoulder. Arthur took a deep breath and said, “Nothing, I’m just mad at myself that’s all.” “Why?” Jessica asked in a caring tone. “Because” was his reply. Jessica just gave him a soft look that read “please tell me” Arthur sighed again and Jess started to get worried, this seemed like bad news. She bit her lip but kept giving him the look. Eventually Arthur took her hand in his and told her he was angry he didn’t say something to her earlier. Jessica swallowed hard. She knew what was coming. Arthur looked down at her hand as he said, “I like you, I really like you, and I can’t be just casual anymore.” Jessica coughed. Her eyes got as big as cds and her mouth fell open…she was for once genuinely speechless. Arthur tensed up. Then after a few seconds she smiled. He looked at her and she just mouthed “me too” still unable to speak. Then she leaned over put her hand behind his neck and pulled him in for a kiss, smiling throughout the whole thing. Not able to contain her excitement anymore, she broke from the kiss threw the door open got out of the car and started jumping up and down while half-screaming in the middle of the parking garage.

Monday, August 16, 2010

the things he doesnt know

i'm not trying to be poetic or anything, but i feel like it may kinda turn out that way, and i suck at poetry so this'll probably suck as well.. oh well i need to get my thoughts out of my head so i can sleep

The things he doesn't know can fill a book, a BIG book

he doesn't know about my past, he doesn't know about my thoughts, and things i do when he's away

he doesn't know about the monster inside of me, waiting, just waiting for him to mess up

he doesn't know the hate and the rage the moves through my brain

he doesn't know about the paranoia

he doesn't know i have one foot halfway out the door just waiting for this to fall apart

yet he doesn't know how much i will hurt when it does eventually end

he doesn't know about my issues

he doesn't know about my family

he doesn't know about my "friends" who i secretly liked or somewhat still like/really have a thing for...oops...

he doesn't know that sometimes i think i might hate him

he doesn't know about what i say

he doesn't know about the lies to friends

he doesn't know about the lies to myself

but most of all, he doesn't know that i keep all this and more secret just so he doesn't know too much about me...he thinks i want to be mysterious

Sunday, March 14, 2010

blast from the past

In my second post, its called "drama" i talked about a "blast from the past" his name, well i'll call him "Mario" well i saw mario's number in my phone today, and i got it in my head to fake being drunk to open the lines of communication, i notice i do that when i think i'm going to face an awkward conversation. So!! i talked to him, and it was like the past awkwardness that was there, never happened!! it was perfect and it made me smile and i am so epically happy!! you dont even know!! like: honestly...i am so epically happy right now!! i couldnt have prayed for it to go any smoother. i love it! i am seriously, so happy! it may be a bit soon, but i think i might invite him to hang out saturday, or early friday night. except i dont want to be alone with him at first, just because of said past. I honestly don't know who i can invite him to hang out with though, theresa's way too pretty. and if im with her and wade they seem to like to gang up on me and put me down...however, odds are we could be at wade's house and he's got a pool table...lol im shallow i know... maybe i could talk to theresa and wade. but it never seems to help. idk, sara seems to be avoiding hanging out with me, which is starting to worry me. Cassie may have homework, and she lives in an apartment so its already crowded. kelley will probably be at school, and is too pretty as well. I really need some uglier friends!! lol!!

i dont know, is it too soon to invite him to hang out? is that weird? idk! i need advice on this one, if anyone is reading this please help!!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

total girl moment

ok so i know this makes the third time ive written today but i am super inspired.

Now for my what i call a total girl moment!

in my mind i picture a lot and the main picture is: granted absured, but i like it, and i have to tell someone, and its far too long to text and no one but kelley reads this and im probably going to have taken it down by the time she gets round to read it. ****NOTE: it started off about steve, then quickly changed into just my dream relationship/guy in general.****

So heres how things go in my mind: I meet this guy and he is impecable. He is everything i want and could ever want. He is tall and gorgeous! he is everything! he has a wonderful personality and we get along like gang busters(lol).

We would date, and possibly even love each other. Like Simba and Nala!!(im a loser) in this hypothetical relationship i am totally and completely myself, and imensely happy! i have no desire or need to question anything! in fact, i never would have! i would have never asked why he likes me or what he likes about me.

I have a saying: that i'm a pitbull. Like you cross me or my friends and i will go on the attack! i will become this viscious little snarling evil demon. Who won't stop until i have injured you. in my past i have always had to be my own pitbull, but in this relationship, i wouldnt have to be. he would be my pitbull he wouldn't get "jealous" but if someone fucked me over, he would want to get revenge. he would protect me with out somthering. he would defend me without being a "jealous hot head". he would love me unconditionally as i would him. neither of us would cheat because we're too much in love. and we would marry and settle down. Maybe he could convince me to have a kid, but odds are we would just have pets and then have neices and nephews to take care of and play with. My dream guy would also be strong enough to admit emotions. Maybe not cry, but admit when he's scared, or when he's hurt or that he loves me! things like that would make not just my day, but my entire life! He would know the difference between a genuine "im fine" or "nothings wrong" and ones that mean "i am not ok!" and "everythings wrong!" (not really that hard to figure out) This guy would also understand that i have an irrational arachniphobia and wouldnt sigh, roll his eyes, or even laugh when i get afraid of one, no matter how small. He would simply kill it and move on. This guy would also love how huge of a nerd/loser i am... & would find things like these, or my random nerd moments totally adorable.

i know its a lot to ask for, and odds are good things wont go that way. but that is what i want.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

First Post!!

So i decided to start a blog after i saw how cool my friend's was. I figure not only a.) can i update people and vent and stuff but then b.) i aint destracted and creepin on people, like i get on & do on fb.

Let's see a bit about me...hmm...i am a huge nerd/loser. it's not really explainable i jsut am...it'll probly become evident when you read this. i go to a community college that's rather popular so it's almost like high school all over agian, except with different people and a few less clicks, oh! and no dances or football games. you may come to realize that i try to care about my spelling and my grammar, yet there are times when i just fail at it. at least i try right?

Anyways! now on to the real reason i got my blog...the venting...but im gonna actually do that in a seperate post