Tuesday, June 25, 2013

why even try?

I don't know why I even try to have a relationship. They all turn out to be absolute crap. It must mean there's something wrong with me but I couldn't begin to think what it is unless I'm too nice. I give 110% in every relationship and it still never seems to be enough. I don't get it. I cook I clean, I will put up with your shitty ass friends who talk shit about me, I will make them food too even though they treat me like crap and you don't say shit!! I don't really get jealous or snoopy unless you give me a reason to be. I don't care if you hang out with your friends, just don't blow off plans we already had. Which is normal, no one LIKES being blown off. I will give up things that I feel would make me happy in order for you to have a better life. That's got to be it. Men think I'm a doormat. Well not any more! If I ever happen to give another man the time of day he's going to know from day one you don't play games with me. If you can't handle that then too bad for you because I am a strong woman!

But that's a  big if. I plan on just getting a dog. Men aren't dogs, that's insulting to dogs. Dogs are sweet loyal, loving creatures who will always have your back. They will fight for you and protect you. Men are more like cats. They like you when it's convenient for them, when they can get something out of it. Otherwise they're just there. They're lazy and self absorbed just like every cat I have ever met. And not to mention shady. Cats will attack you for no reason and pee on your shit and men will metaphorically do the same thing. Just when you think everything is going okay you find out shits not as great as you think it is. I'm done dealing with men. I already have a cat I don't need another one. But I could use a loyal loving companion.

As I'm sure you've figure the boyfriend and I are no longer, basically. I wanted to talk about it but just like a man he hasn't said shit yet. And I'm not waiting for forever. I deserve someone to treat me the way I treat them. With love, understanding, acceptance, and a mutual effort. So luckily I should be able to move out within a few months now. I won't be spending all my money on a worthless mooch who only says thank you when you ask. I hope he gets whats coming to him too. I hope the next girl he dates is just a ragging bitch, but knowing him he'll want to marry her just like he did the last one. But when he finds a good woman what does he do? Treat her like shit. Makes total sense...NOT!! I'm not saying I wanted to get married but I would've liked him to take it seriously!

Sunday, June 9, 2013


Came to the realization that I am probably going to die an evil old curmudgeon who sits on her porch with her cats, and dogs, and shoots paintballs at children as they pass by. I don't like anyone. I don't feel like my standards are too high. I just want respect when I not only respect people, but bend over backwards for them.

    Example: I buy you this that and the other things that you had wanted and now you probably won't even buy me one birthday present even thought I bought you 2 and 2 Xmas presents.    It's not about the presents it's the fact that I try to put a lot of effort and thought into things like that and your probably going to buy me the one thing I told you I want. Not something that takes any thought or love. It's not about price, you could buy me Pokemon red for $5 at Mr. Zero's, something I've said I loved and missed. And I'd love it!  Or the simple fact I picked your ass up from the airport.

     I don't know every day I just want to hurry up and graduate my program so I can move as far away as I've dreamed. Maybe I'll go to Canada, or Texas or New Hampshire or Boston... Anywhere but here. I don't like anyone...

Saturday, June 8, 2013


I don't understand why in  this day and age relationships have to be so hard. How hard is it not lie to someone? I don't lie about anything. I don't even think about other guys like that... Like I just don't get it. And I probably never will. At this point I'm completely okay with dying alone. I wouldn't want a husband even if one begged me to be his wife. Like seriously. After being cheated on so many times I will probably never ever fully trust a man again.  And that's not fair to them. Especially if I'm going to be married to one.

I don't think there is such a thing as a "good guy" anymore. I really don't. You just have to find someone whose bullshit you can tolerate. It's not about finding someone who will treat you right. That'll never come along. If your okay with a shady man but knows he isn't physically cheating that you 'll be fine. Or if he's totally loyal just addicted to porn. But me personally I don't deal With that shit. Porn is fine every now and then... But if you cross the line then I'm not ok.

I guess the argument could be made I'm just a bitch and deserve all this happening to me. But in reality I don't keep boyfriends on a close leash. If I notice you change your password yeah I'll have a problem. Or suddenly put one on your phone then I know something is going on. And it's not like I have the confidence or the guts to say shit. Cause it's always turned around on me. "Why does it matter?" Um! Cause obviously your fucking hiding something bro! Like, what the fuck! I'm not stupid! I'm just over it. I think I'm gonna take my money and run. You want to be all secretive? You can do it alone.

Friday, June 7, 2013


I hate secrecy you're gonna get a dose of your own medicine. Changing your password? Ok.... I can already tell this isn't going to work but I'm gonna try...   But I already feel insecure.  :(

Thursday, June 6, 2013


I should be ecstatic the boyfriend comes home tonight but I'm already pissed off and done with his shit. Major life impacting events happened to me while he was gone and instead of wanting to see if I'm ok he wants to go see his butt buddy Ryan. It'd be ok if I didn't have to go through some traumatic shit. I just want to punch him in the face. Like what the actual fuck?! Fuck you too dude! And! He wants to stay at my house... Uh fuck no. Not if you don't give two fucks about me. Why should I give two fucks about you being homeless? Oh wait! That's right!! Despite being a bitter people hating monster I genuinely care about this dickwad. Well I have news for you! I'm not just going to be disrespected. No way. No how. You even swear at me and I'm done. I may care but I'm not your doormat and personal sex toy. Sorry, no. I am finally standing up for myself and telling you how I want to be treated. No more silently being mad that you're treating me like crap! No more! Not in any aspect of my life. Not work, not relationships, not at home. Not anywhere! I will not take this shit lying down. Time to put your big boy pants on and be a man. Treat people with dignity and respect. You can't do that!? Then I'm sorry I can't be your girlfriend. And I can't give your Xbox back. At least not in working condition or with any saved data... Oopsie. I'm just a dumb girl. What do I now about technology?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I need to take a shower or something before I destroy Tokyo.

Ps: to be fair, I really did miss him and a big part of me is happy he is home. I just wish I didn't have to deal with this bull shit.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013


Blogger is now telling me how many people are viewing my page... My question is, is it counting my own? Cuz then I'm not so worried. It's not like I have a billion views. I was just surprised by the number it said I had. And I'd rather this blog live in anonymity in a weird way. Probably because these posts are shallow and rambling.  Idk. I should get back to homework...


Yet another reason to hate my family.
        Every night there's the discussion of what's for dinner. Where are we going, what are we ordering, what are we going to make? The problem is, no one ever goes fucking grocery shopping until Friday and only ever buys enough food to make for the weekend because the grandkids are here. Nevermind the rest of us that have to be here for meal times. There's milk, eggs, and random collections of half eaten moldy meals from I don't know when in the fridge. It doesn't matter how many times I clean it out either. I feel they're somehow transported in from other family's fridge. Your hotdish from two weeks ago that you thought got pushed to the back of the fridge actually fell through a portal and landed in mine. Oh and it looks and smells disgusting, thanks!  Then there's the fight of are we gonna go somewhere or order something. I try to call my mom before she leaves work to figure out what's for dinner. So if I decide on something she can stop on the way home because god forbid she could come home and then we or I drive somewhere else. That would mean using precious pogo gaming minutes. And points and whatever the fuck she's not earning.  It's good to have a hobby but this is an obsession. I mean sure she doesn't really do anything else with her life, but maybe she could hang out with all the friends she says she has. I know there's one woman she hasn't talked to in years! She should call her and get stupid Bloody Mary's or something. But no, comes home and sits at the computer or lays in bed on her laptop. Oh! And gets this! Complains about her weight. Uhhh... How about we use the treadmill for more than a play place for the grandkids?! I just don't get it. And one walk at 1.5 mph or maybe 2 mph for maybe a mile or 2 isn't going to burn that many calories, how about you speed it up! And do it more often!   In my walking gym class we had to be walking at 4 mph in order to burn enough calories and do all these other exercises (squats, push ups, etc) but she seriously doesn't do anything. I know I'm not a size 2 but I try to eat healthy...it just sometimes loses to ice cream or hot dogs and I try to go to the gym as often as possible but I have class m-thurs and work almost every weekend and have to study. Soon I'll be starting my second summer class and will have even less time and I'll want to see the boyfriend when he comes home... So I may not be at the gym as much as I want but at least I know how to go to the gym.  I'm sorry but it's a proven fact you absolutely can NOT lose weight by eating more calories than you burn! Simple scientific fact. Call me a bitch but it's all true. You can't lose weight sitting on your fat ass and wishing it to go away. I know, I have tried and some days I still try. But it only goes away if you put in the work and effort. I just want to get out of this hell hole! I don't care if I can't afford to eat, I need to get out of here before I turn into The Hulk and start smashing things. And hey! It'd help me lose weight! Lol kidding.   ...kinda... But I do need out.